The Breakdown

I was on my shower floor convulsing as tears and water poured indistinctly through me. I lost everything I thought I was going to be. For years I envisioned a future for myself as a real estate mogul. I thought I was lucky for knowing what I wanted to be for the rest of my life. I was completely wrong.

For a long time I was obsessed with building my real estate business - The RentBusters. A dream I worked hard on since dropping out of university. In three short years we had a ton of momentum and were flying high. Here’s a glimpse of what life was like. Prospective clients flowed in already pre-screened by our sources. Investors were on a waitlist to buy our next deal. We were getting better and better at what we were doing. And when we won, boy did we celebrate!

Wellness trips at Le Scandinave, a spa up in cottage country. Wardrobe makeovers and shopping sprees for the team. Sushi, Indian, bars, eating out with clients, investors, every chance we could. Lots of money going to coaching, training, and programs with minimal regard to cost. To say I was reckless with money is an understatement. My mentality was “there’s always more where that came from.” This would later bite me in the ass. Towards the end I remember not being able to shake this nagging feeling like something was really off. I didn’t know what it was.

As this restlessness resided within me I ignored it and like everyone else, I just kept going. And we did. We were starting to get noticed. Our no holds barred approach to adding value and educating our audience through articles, videos and workshops were beginning to turn into real results. We prided ourselves in how transparent we were about our entire business. Soon we were able to reach an even broader audience when I was invited to some interviews on local television. "Wow! Me on TV?!" Ego = boosted. Little did I know that the exact wrong set of eyes were watching.

Out of nowhere I found myself in the middle of an investigation with my tail between my legs. I was at the wrong end of a complaint that was triggered by one of the interviews. Turns out I was too transparent. The powers that be either wanted to make an example of me or just plain didn’t like what I was doing. The RentBusters was a budding rent to own investing company at a time when the entire concept was being put under a microscope. News articles piled in of shady investors who were setting up really bad deals. Stories came out of people who were losing their houses and savings because of poorly executed rent to own contracts. I liked to think I was the complete opposite of them. But regardless of whether I did something wrong or not, I felt completely f-u-c-k — fucked.

I felt compelled to pause all operations and ensure our entire business was solid. For months I hunted for holes, reasons that might lead to getting charged... or worse. Over and over again I traced every single step we made unable to distract myself from this horrible nightmare. I willingly gave in to every request and sent them names of our clients and investors to interview. I willingly submitted every document for them to review. I felt like a criminal. My world was flipped upside down.

It was non-stop sleepless nights and stressful days. For months I was fully in my fear and survival mechanism. Adrenaline and cortisol coursing through my veins draining me. Then after careful review they found nothing. They backed off. Zero charges were laid yet I was still left feeling violated and ashamed. My ego was not just bruised, it was bloodied. It had me doubting myself even though it seemed okay to re-start operations… But throughout this experience something was stirring inside me. That muted restlessness I was ignoring became crystal clear. I was growing resentful even before this whole ordeal. What was once a creative and passionate endeavour was now all about money. It lacked the one thing that mattered to me - meaning.

I filled pages of my journal trying to flesh out the disorder happening inside of me. In a furious scribble I unconsciously wrote “I just don’t give a shit about my company anymore.” I thought things were pretty bad already but here I was with my life about to be detonated. As the ink landed on the page it sent shivers throughout my body. It seemed that the weight I carried was less about the investigation and more about how repulsed I was with what I had created — a company that was eating my soul.  I had never even let myself say words like this out loud or even think it to myself. I decided I couldn’t continue on after finally admitting it.

I raced through one awkward conversation after another like a man possessed. In cold blood I put a bullet in the head and heart of my first business. I made it to the finish line, so I thought. Because waiting for me on the other end was a deafening silence. All this newfound space I had created made room for all my inner demons to seep into my awareness. Ladies and gentlemen, this was a free fall straight down to rock bottom.

I was so busy feeding the beast that was my business. I was so committed to my distractions. I was avoiding myself every step of the way. I couldn’t remember the last time I had fun or felt carefree. I was all about business, money, work. I was so damn serious all the time. My relationships withered, my guitar collected dust, all my other interests were long forgotten. Sure I'd burn a bunch of money on outings but what did I like? What did I truly enjoy? I had no clue anymore.

Enter grief and it's unholy fuckness. The one thing I never accounted for. This company was like my first child and I killed her. What once was occupied with busy-ness was now a gaping hole I had to face. Thoughts of my future were now drawing a complete blank. I was in the unknown. I felt shame, embarrassment and guilt. I had failed. I was a failure. I single-handedly shattered not only my future but that of my business partner's as well. I felt horrible. It still haunts me to think about the repercussions my decision had on some people's lives. We were both supposed to be all in on The RentBusters and now I was out.

The one thing that brought me peace was that this was the first authentic decision I had made in a long time. The weight was finally lifted off my shoulders. I was finally free to create a life that was authentic to me. But for a while life stood still. I was red with pain and sadness for weeks. My finances were no longer being replenished. Everything material was decimated in front of my eyes. Things were going to get worse before they got better.

I had no idea I even had a bottom until suddenly I found myself with only one way to go but up. This was scary and exciting at the same time. I would well at the eyes and crumble over and over as I struggled to get back up. I never thought that one day I’d want to kiss rock bottom in thanks for how my life has transformed ever since.

My coach has always said, “breakdowns always come before breakthroughs.” As always, he was right.

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