Once I believed I was a leader I started seeking followers.
I was 19. My heart was emblazoned with passion as I committed to self knowledge and growth.
It was painful to see that the people I approached where trapped in the herd, destined only to become reliable worker bees.
I did what made sense at the time...
I force-fed red pills down the throat of anyone in front of me!
Why? Because self discovery felt so damn lonely.
I kept promoting the new ideas I’ve been exposed to, alternative ways of life, but I might as well have talked to a tree.
Trying to change and lead others from the outside-in was an uphill, thorny, bastard of a battle.
Slowly I got wise. I accepted that other people’s lives were outside my power.
There was only one thing that was in my power... myself.
As I turned the spotlight inward, I quickly realized how much time and energy I spilled. Not only that, I accepted how lame it was to be preaching what I wasn’t living.
Reinvesting time and energy to myself helped grow and transform my life to what it is today, guiding and inspiring leaders and entrepreneurs to becoming authentic expressions of themselves.
What I’ve learned in this journey is that leadership is not what we learn it to be.
It is not some certificate you get at the end of a course. Nor is it when you read the final page of a “leadership” book that suddenly your entire atomic structure morphs into that of a full-fledged leader.
Nope.
Leadership is a result. It is the by-product of a journey most of us are already on.
Here’s how I believe it goes:
1) The Learner
So many incredible gems are buried in plain sight.
In every moment there lies an opportunity to learn for those who are willing to look.
For every leader you will find a mentor who guided them. And those mentors had guides. And those guides had teachers, and so on. There’s always someone to learn from.
Questions like…
“What is a meaningful life?”
“What is happiness?”
“What is goodness?”
…have been asked, discussed and debated since the beginning of time. They’ve been written about in books!
Go read those books! They are the result of hours and hours, years and years of brutal painstaking work and we get to absorb the writer’s very best insights and see if they work for us!
Who are the mentors, teachers, philosophers that you admire most? Go learn from them.
Consume everything they’ve written and created. Find what works for you and practice it. Discard everything else.
2) The Listener
The most impactful teachers, coaches and mentors in my life were outstanding listeners.
They asked thought provoking questions. They probed and got curious about my stories, excuses and aspirations.
They ensured we were speaking the same language and really sought to understand me.
They first served as a mirror to reflect my truth right back at me.
Secondly, they would guide me based on everything they’ve learned about me. Even then, the guidance came in the form of questions, empowering me to find the answers within my own self.
The most powerful and effective leaders are high-level listeners. They are constantly gathering information and assessing dozens or hundreds of data points at a time before offering guidance, solutions or direction.
Why do we have two ears and one mouth?
To listen twice as much as we speak.
3) The Self-Leader
My tank was depleted the more I focused outward, trying to change others. My approach was probably unwanted, sometimes annoying and maybe even obnoxious.
When I switched my focus to self discovery, self knowledge and self leadership, the veil was lifted.
The more I grew and transformed, the more connected I became with what I really wanted in life.
How do you want to spend your time? Who with? How do you want to contribute?
There are many things to ponder in our self explorations.
It’s not all pretty though...
Uncovering past trauma, heartbreak and pain is like opening an old wound.
I found that so many of my impulses, emotions, and negative behaviours were old. So very old. The bulk of my issues stemmed from my past.
This act of de-programming ourselves is a never ending process. The shadows of the past still show up even when we thought we’ve gained the lessons and moved beyond them.
Although it can be painful, it can be liberating.
Because without greater awareness, there can be no change.
The side effect of self knowledge is a better connection with others. We become so much better at relating with people’s emotions, challenges and experiences when we are tune with our own.
Bottom line is...
When we are in touch with ourselves, it is easier to connect with others intellectually, emotionally and spiritually.
Higher levels of compassion and empathy is a much needed ingredient both in leadership and the world.
4) The Communicator
The most destructive conversation is the one that happens in our head.
We bully, shame, and guilt ourselves, sometimes without even knowing it. And this tape plays on repeat countless times a day.
Sometimes the things we say to ourselves are things we’d never say to another or we’d literally have no friends.
Part of our de-programming and self discovery is becoming increasingly aware of our self-talk.
If we’re constantly telling ourselves “I’m a failure… I’m boring… I’m not good enough,” or whatever, that is exactly what we become.
When we journal we begin to imprison our self-talk, all those words and ideas, onto paper. We externalize our inner world and can finally see how we’ve been treating ourselves.
Only when we are aware of it can we have the power to change our inner dialogue.
To be an incredible leader we must improve our ability to communicate with self and others powerfully, clearly and beautifully.
The most efficient way I have found is to - write, write, write!
Writing organizes our thoughts. And organized thoughts help us become better at sharing our ideas. When we are better at sharing our ideas we can actually touch, move, and inspire those around us.
On top of just writing, reading is a game changer.
Reading more helps us understand the fluidity at which other great leaders communicate. These thinkers and writers bestow upon us an epic toolkit of ideas, metaphors, and words that help us illustrate our visions, aspirations and message to the world.
Want to be a better speaker? Write.
Want to be a better writer? Read.
Want to be a better leader? Keep reading, keep writing.
5) The Novice
The problem I see now is an arrogance of transformation.
This is when after an ounce of growth we show it off like it’s a brand new suit, dropping names, books, acting above and beyond everyone else.
But you know what?
Holier than thou, isn’t.
(I know this because it was me one time)
Kick down the pedestal. Come back down to planet Earth. Embrace a beginner’s mind.
Socrates famously says:
“I know I know nothing.”
Stay a white belt and be a living embodiment of your principles.
When we keep questioning, learning, listening, and seeking, we keep transforming, growing and become better versions of ourselves.
When we think the journey’s over and that we are the shit!, look out, because you’re about to be struck with a massive meteor - in the face!
It will be an epic failure, distraction or mistake that will be hard to get back up from.
My suggestion... Every day start at zero. Begin again. Keep the wonder, the awe and the mystery of the universe close to your heart.
——
Ten years ago I was an arrogant douchebag trying hard to be a leader.
I was selling a bag of goods I had yet to absorb myself.
When I finally took all these steps, things began to shift. Along the way people related to my story and sought for my help.
I decided I’d guide them just as I had been guided and now their stories have become part of my story.
So maybe leading ourselves is the inspiration for others to lead themselves. And maybe then we can understand that leadership is not an outside-in phenomenon but in fact, an inside-out phenomenon.
That when we focus on our own personal journey we become like a portal by which others can see their own power and possibility.