I was in overdraft. I had $20,000 of credit card debt. I was getting calls from collection agencies countless times a day. My cell phone was going to be disconnected. My gaslight was on. I was focused on all the things that were going wrong. This was my rock bottom.

I’d see friends or even strangers with smiles on their faces and think “ugh, annoying smiley fucks.” Yup. If you know me, I was that bad. It was a downward spiral. My sense of self was lost. I no longer had purpose. I woke up dreading each day. Phone calls made my heart palpitate. Emails made my body cringe.

I did everything I could to avoid facing my problems and most of all, avoid my self. Every minute felt like hours. I would hide in bed hoping the next day might be better. I didn’t want people to know the ugliness inside me. I donned a mask of being positive, confident, and charming. Even those who really knew me couldn’t see through it, I was that good. But beneath the facade I was scared shitless and had no idea what I was going to do next. Who am I? What am I here for? I was in an existential crisis.

Seeing people pursue their passions, thrive in their business, or happy in their relationships made me angry. "Fuck them," I'd tell myself. I hated that they were happy. It’s not like I wished anything bad for them, I was just a happy hater, one who hated the happiness of other people. Their joy highlighted my misery.

I tried doing normal things like hang out with friends and family but mentally I’d be in outer space. I kept wishing for a better tomorrow. “Tomorrow I’ll be stronger… Tomorrow I’ll deal with it…” I’d say. “I’ll be happy when I’m back in business/get a job/start making money again” I outsourced my power to the future, to some day. Here I was wishing for all the things I didn’t have I wasn't appreciating the things I did have.I had the love of my amazing friends. I had the love and support of my parents. Fortunately I got to mooch off their roof and fridge while I figured things out. Apparently this wasn’t enough.

So I waited. And waited. And waited… I waited until I realized no one and no thing was coming. Life was presenting me with a challenge. An opportunity to breakthrough the obstacle in front of me. If I wanted things to change it was up to me. I had to accept that no one was going to save me. I put myself here and only I could pull myself out.

I knew a job or money would be helpful but they would be superficial changes at best. It wouldn’t fix the brokenness inside. It wouldn’t help the suffering of simply being in my own skin. I no longer knew how I fit in the world.

A client of mine once said he’d “rather die than not change.” This was very similar to what I was going through. I couldn’t continue living this way. Something needed to happen or things would get worse. But feeling sluggish mentally and physically made it hard to get out of my rut.

Eventually I decided to let go of what was not in my power and take control of what was - my body. Feeling weak, stiff and lethargic would not help me solve my problems.

For a while I didn't even have a desire to move my body. Somehow I mustered up whatever willpower I had left and dragged myself back onto my yoga mat. I thanked my past self for at least investing in unlimited yoga.

I stepped into the hot room leaving the weight of the world at the door. Before class starts we get to lay down with our eyes closed as soft ambient music filled the room.

Ahh, the escape I needed. I’d imagine I was in another country like a tropical island. The sun kissing my face, the sounds of ocean waves crashing and warm salty air invading my nostrils. It was incredible that I was able to visualize something positive for once!

My teacher Soni opened each class by inviting us to deepen our breath and my problems would seem like miles away. For the next 60 minutes there was nothing to worry about except for the present moment. Beads of my sweat fell upon the earth as we flowed from asana to freaking asana. It was glorious.

After being twisted, lengthened, and strengthened, we arrived to our final resting pose, Savasana. Laying still, flat and stretched out on the mat we get a chance to absorb all the goodness of the class. I’d reach a moment of peace and ease with myself.

Then.. it was over. I hated when it was over. I’d wash up, put on fresh clothes, get into my car and the bliss would quickly evaporate. Everything that was wrong with my life raced back into my mind. The real work wasn’t what I did on my mat it was staying present and managing my attitude as I went about my day.

So like a junkie craving the next hit, everyday I obsessively waited for the next class. I practiced everyday for months. Eventually, my practice reached deeper layers of my being. No longer was it just sweat pouring through me, it was everything else. The victim. The ‘poor me’ attitude. The happy hater. I wrung it all out like a wet towel. I twisted, turned and squeezed until there was nothing left to release that day.

The healing I gained was in remembering to invest in me first. Reaching the edge of my comfort zone and challenging myself on my yoga mat began to translate into my life. I was inspired to make better choices. Instead of Nutella sandwiches for breakfast, I ate eggs. Instead of staying up until 2AM stressing about life I closed my eyes by 10PM. I drank more and more water. 

It was a beautiful new cycle for me. All of this reminded of a powerful lesson I once learned from my old Muay Thai teacher Nick Bautista: “Conquer the body and the mind will follow” and it did.

My energy started to climb. I began to shatter many mental, emotional and physical barriers. A solid foundation of well being led to a newfound sense of gratitude. This was my new beginning. A new momentum began to take over. What used to be sheer will power became my disposition. My life began revolving around my well being instead of my problems. For weeks I was shedding tears of grief and despair. And now, even though I still had the same life challenges, somehow I would find myself welling up with tears of joy and gratitude.

Things were beginning to shift.

Don't miss another chapter and sign up below!