You become what you are not, hate yourself for a bit, then run in the opposite direction hoping it’ll be different.

In 2005, a portrait of me chugging a Corona with my gut sticking out made me hate myself. Everything I was and everything around me was not what I wanted. I cut and ran towards something else.

In 2009, every morning I awoke stinging with fear that I’d be draining my waking hours towards someone else’s business instead of my own. I did something drastic to find something out about myself. Sink or swim?

I swam.

In 2012, after swimming, I was flying high on my own supply. Then I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror. A speck of what was left of me was begging to survive. I pulled the plug on a long held vision and sought to really find myself.

CREATION + DISCOVERY

Part of discovering who we are is simultaneously creating who we are. They go hand in hand.

Did Edison discover electricity or did he invent it? Did Beethoven discover brilliant compositions or did he create them?

The possibility of electricity existed but Edison was creating non-stop to find a way to harness the power of lightning. The possibility of timeless musical works were there and Beethoven showed up daily to create, cross out, edit and re-create before he landed on a masterpiece.

The creation and discovery process happen together.

As we create ourselves we discover ourselves. And vice versa.

Here are some key insights to get you started:

1) Honesty

There’s probably 1,000 broken promises I’ve made to myself for every single promise I’ve fulfilled for someone else. Many of us hate to let down others and yet we let ourselves down constantly.

Without taking a real honest look at where we stand in our life, work and relationships, there will be no awareness. Without awareness there will be no new choices or new results.

Take a real snapshot of where you're at. It's time to wake up from fantasyland.

2) Curiosity

Is this what I want? ... How did I get here? ...Where do I want to go?

Our authentic self is uncovered when we get interested and question everything.

Where you work, who you spend time with, how you feel physically, all of it is a result of past choices.

In an episode of Being Erica the character Sam is heartbroken and decides to leave her husband Josh.

She asks, “Why do you love me? Why did you marry me!?”

He tells her he has no idea, "I just do."

Not a good enough answer Josh.

What we learn, experience and discover changes us and changes how we feel about our lives. Test your own assumptions.

There's a good reason and then there's the real reason.

3) Desirables

I ask clients, “What do you want in an ideal mate?”

They say, “I don’t want X… I don’t like Y… I hate Z…”

Not the question I asked.

“Ok, but what do you want?” I say.

They pause. It takes them a moment to realize they’ve been focusing so much on what they don’t want that they have no idea what they do want.

If you know what you don’t want, just write down the opposite. For example, go from “I don’t like guys who lie,” to “I want a man who is honest with me.”

Now go do the same thing when it comes to your self, your work and other relationships.

Where are you settling, unhappy, dissatisfied? What do you want instead?

4) Ownership

Society, culture, video games, parents, whatever it is, blaming others only excuses ourselves.

It robs us of one of our real life superpowers: choice.

I once heard philosopher Stefan Molyneux say (paraphrasing):

“You don’t have to get out of bed. You don’t have to eat. You don’t have to get a job. You don’t have to do anything. There are no real ‘have to’s’ or ‘musts’ in the world!”

We always have a choice. Always.

What hurt me most was accepting that everything I hated about my life was because of my choices. And it was my choices that would get me out.

Owning your choices is a heavy burden but it’s also your superpower. With it you can change the course of your entire life.

5) Discard & Declutter

All that is no longer truly and authentically you needs to go.

Both inner and outer world.

Clothes, books, furniture, mindsets, beliefs, habits, whatever is taking up space, rid yourself of it.

Donate, recycle, or in the dump it goes.

This may or may not include people. Which is hard. Notice the costs to you energetically to be around certain people. Can you afford it?

You can’t become an invitation for something new if you don’t have space for it.

6) Discover, Design & Decide

From this deeper level of awareness in yourself and newfound space, you have an opportunity to decide. Make a choice toward something new.

Design a new life. A new future.

Who you are at the core will slowly reveal itself as you take action in this new direction.

It won’t show up if you sit around and wait. Take the course, pick up the book, hire the coach, take the class, start your business, edit your resume.

Take one tiny step every single day.

7) Teach

As you become more and more authentically you, share your story with someone.

Write a blog, paint, do a poetry slam, mentor someone who could use your wisdom.

Be a pebble in the pond and ripple goodness back into the world.

Share what you’ve learned along the way.

You will never be healed. You are not a problem to be solved. You are not something that needs to be fixed before you can share your gifts.

Go do the thing and heal along the way.

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I fought for so long to change the world when I realized how impossible a task it seemed. I can't change the world from the outside-in.

It's when I switched my focus to inside-out did things begin to finally shift. Slowly I saw the world around me manifest into the one I once could only dream of. 

Friends and mentors surround me who are powerful, inspirational, and believe in me instead of naysayers and dream stealers. A business that is designed for the lifestyle I've always wanted rather than wasted hours locked at a cubicle. A romantic relationship that is based in love and possibility instead of fear. 

Now I see it with clients. 

The unsalvageable relationship, the trap of a job, the excess weight, the poor choices for partners, the self-sabotage... Countless challenges all overcome through a slow process of creation and discovery of the true self. 

The impossible is literally just a conversation that needs to be had. 

Ready to have it?